The defendant, Warren J. Hayes, hereinafter referred to as Santa Claus, stands charged with a first-degree misdemeanor. FN1...
FN1. Jolly old Saint Nicholas, lean your ear this way!
You tell every single soul what I'm going to say;
Trial day is coming soon; Now you dear old man,
Concerning BMV and you-I'll tell you best I can!
Santa was operating a motor vehicle that was involved in a minor
fender bender. Following the accident for which Santa paid cash money
on the spot to the individual whose car he had hit, Santa displayed his
Ohio Identification Card to Warren patrolman Eric Merkel....
{¶ 6} Exhibit AA is a copy of a “Certificate of Birth” for one Santa
Claus born at the North Pole December 25th in the year 383 A.D. to Mr.
Claus and Holly Noel with Dr. Snowflake attending;
{¶ 7} Exhibit BB contains copies of Ohio Identification Cards with
photos of Santa for the years 1996 and 1997 issued to Santa Claus by
the state of Ohio, indicating residence at 1 Noel Drive, North Pole OH
44481, as well as a copy of AAA Temporary Membership card for the year
1995;
{¶ 8} Exhibit CC contains copies of Ohio Identification Cards with
photos of Santa for the years 1985-1990 and 1988-1992 issued to Santa
Claus by the state of Ohio, indicating residence at 1 Noel Drive, North
Pole USA, as well as a copy of certificate of title issued to Santa
Claus on December 17, 1987, by the state of Ohio for one 1965
Volkswagen 2-Door Sedan;
{¶ 9} Exhibit DD contains copies of Ohio Identification Cards with
photos of Santa for the years 1982-1986 and 1985-1988 issued to Santa
Claus by the state of Ohio, indicating residence at 1 Noel Drive, North
Pole USA, as well as a copy of a blank check No. 117 on the account of
Santa Claus and Mrs. Santa Claus No. with the Second National Bank of
Warren;
In essence, this case reveals a situation where an individual is going by more than one name...
There can be no doubt based on the aforesaid exhibits that Santa and
the Bureau of Motor Vehicles (“BMV”) have had a solid and ongoing
relationship for 20 years...
In this case, there is no evidence that Santa adopted his name for
the purpose of avoiding any just debt or the payment of taxes. To the
contrary, Santa routinely paid (and the state of Ohio accepted) taxes
and registration fees under the name of Santa for many years.
FN3.
Fortunately, this court is not called upon to reach an ultimate
determination of the issue as to the actual existence of Santa Claus.
The acts here in question are indeed “fabulous,” as this court finds
the Santa to be an “incredible character.” Santa's course of conduct
with the BMV is tantamount to “legendary” in that his acts “produced by
popular tradition” are found to have “invented details and distortion
of historical facts,” to wit, a birth occurring in 385 A.D. Indeed,
Santa may well be “mythical” as this whole rendition originated from a
“creation of beings and events out of the imagination.” And finally the
“unknown or dubious source” for the origin of this story makes for an
“apocryphal” scenario.
Had Santa been charged with
being “fabulous, legendary, mythical or apocryphal,” he might well
indeed be guilty facing up to 180 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.
However, to sustain the burden of going forward, the state must make a
showing that Santa knowingly displayed an identification card that was
“fictitious.” This the state has not done. The fact that Santa had an
ongoing relationship for 20 years with the BMV is not indicative
of “artificiality or contrivance,” for, in fact, under the publicly
held records of the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles, Santa has been a
“real person” since as early as 1982.
The court grants Santa's motion. FN4
FN4. He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
